In Honor of Our Twentieth Anniversary: 5 Tips to Pray More Effectively for Your Spouse

Twenty years ago today, I married my high-school sweet heart.

Ten years ago, I wondered if we’d hang on long enough to grow old together.

Life takes a toll on love. Great marriages don’t just happen.

But in those years that our marriage hung thread-bare and hurting, I learned to pray. To REALLY pray.

I learned to pray beyond, “Lord, change him!” or “Lord, help me!”

I stormed the throne of God with desperation and let go of all of my expectations for the marriage I’d scripted in my dreams.

And you know what? Over the past decade, the Lord has answered my prayers in ways that have defied my grandest dreams.

When I was learning to pray for my marriage, my favorite one-liner was this simple prayer penned by Stormie O’Martian in her life-changing book, The Power of a Praying Wife: “Lord, give my husband and new wife and let it be me!” 

This morning as I flipped through our wedding album with my children and stared at that twenty-year-old stranger in a silky white dress, I knew without a doubt that God has answered my prayer.

Thanks to the One who hears our prayers and answers with grace, I’m a different wife than I was twenty years ago. And thanks to the power of prayer, I’ve got a “new husband”, too.

Today, as Rob and I celebrate twenty years together, we smile at the thought of growing old together with the strong cord of God’s faithfulness tied securely around our lives.

In honor of our twentieth anniversary, I’d like to introduce you to a friend who has inspired me to savor this gift called marriage.

Beth understands that marriage is messy. She admits that great marriages don’t just happen and she believes in the power of prayer. Beth inspires me to love my husband more and to be a “new wife” in the power of Christ. I have no doubt that she’ll inspire you, too…

Sure, you may know how to pray, maybe you’ve even been doing it since you were tiny. And you certainly may know how to pray for your spouse—maybe even lifting your spouse up daily. All of that is wonderful!

Keep it up!



But what if you could pray more effectively?

Would you be interested in finding out how? Then read on …


Tip One – Thank God for your spouse.

 “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.” Philippians 4:4-5



Every time you pray, you have this great opportunity to thank God for something good you see in your spouse. For those of you who have really challenging marriages, it may come down to thanking God that s/he loves your children or s/he didn’t criticize you in the morning (not choosing to focus on the fact that s/he criticized you in the afternoon).



God will bless our humble seeking out of the blessings He gives us every day, but that we sometimes don’t pay attention to.



Tip Two – Express to God your trust in Him to solve your “marriage mystery.” 

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Philippians 4:6



The Greek word for “present” in this passage stems from the idea of “revealing” something like in a “mystery.” We don’t know how to solve our own problems, so very often we worry instead. But God wants us to trust and rest in His ability to solve the mystery. And the best way to do that is to express your trust directly to God in your prayers.



Tip Three – Be specific about your spouse’s heart needs and not just behavior changes. 

“ … but in everything …” (v. 6)



We are told to present “everything” to our Father in prayer. But very often we are way too general about this. We say things like, “help my spouse to treat me better” or “keep us from arguing.” Now, I’m not saying these aren’t good prayers, but they don’t focus on the character God wants to build in our mates.

I believe God wants us to ask for what our spouse’s “heart” needs, not what we may selfishly want our spouse to quit doing (Refer to some examples of how Paul often prayed for the churches – Phlp. 1:3-11, Gal. 1:9, Eph. 1:15-23).



Tip Four – Pray more for yourself than for your spouse.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalm 138:23-24.



I know, I’m taking the liberty here since it doesn’t exactly say pray more for yourself in this passage. But we are exhorted to pray this heart-examining prayer … and when we do, I believe God reveals the sins we might miss otherwise. 

What better way to pray for your marriage than to quit focusing on how your spouse is the problem, and focus on your sin against your spouse.

And don’t forget to be specific here too! 

I have to confess I’ve been praying this prayer a lot lately and God has been faithful to reveal my sins to me daily. Honestly, that’s probably the biggest step toward healing and helping my marriage than any prayer I might pray for my husband. 

Tip Five – Ask your spouse how you can pray for him or her.



Sometimes the very knowledge that you want to pray for your spouse will be what God uses to soften your mates heart toward you. 



So what prayer tip would you add to this list?

How have you seen prayer transform your marriage?

Beth Steffaniak is a pastor’s wife, counselor, life-coach and mom to three budding young men. She blogs at messymarriage.com, where her heart is to be “Real, Raw and Redemptive” about the messiness of life and marriage. She believes that God calls us to see the ugly, broken, desperate mess from His perspective—the eternal, unseen, redemptive side.

Linking with Jennifer for Tell His Story, Beth for Wedded Wednesdays