When You Get Lost Without Ever Leaving Home
I was knee-deep in underwear when he said it.
“I feel like I’m losing you…”
I glanced up from the super-hero briefs I was folding and gave my husband of eighteen years a glazed stare.
The clock was pushing midnight and he was slumped quiet on the couch, his blue scrubs wrinkled from a long day’s work, his green eyes glassy with tears.
“Losing me?” I gaped, an unexpected lump of anger rising in my throat.
“I’m right here.“
I pounded my fist on the upturned laundry basket beside me and elaborated.
“Right here taking care of your five children, and cooking your meals, and washing your dishes, and folding your underwear…..”
I threw a pair of boxers in the air in sheer exasperation and huffed, “How can you lose me when I never go anywhere? The only place I’ve been all week is the grocery store!
I sighed loud. “You haven’t lost me. I’m right here where I’ve always been, buried in laundry and dust bunnies.”
My sarcastic outburst didn’t cure the gloom in my husband’s gaze.
“I’m not talking about what you do for me,” he whispered, sadly.
“I’m talking about you.
I miss you… I’m losing you….”
My stomach lurched and my anger morphed into melancholy.
It’s not that our love had grown cold; it had just grown crowded.
We still slept in the same bed and poured coffee from the same carafe; still piled into the same mini-van with the same five kids and still worshiped at the same church on Sunday mornings.
But the crush and clamor of life hovered large and the moments we shared together shrunk small.
If time equals love, our marriage was getting short changed.
Industry is no substitute for intimacy.
My husband wanted my heart instead of my hands.
And so does my Savior.
More than my work, Christ wants my worship.
More than my labor, He wants my love.
In her groundbreaking book, Having a Mary Heart in Martha World, JoannaWeaver reminds us:
“The kingdom of God, you see, is a paradox.
The world clamors, ‘Do more! Be all that you can be!’
But our Father whispers, ‘Be still and know that I am God.’
The world clamors, ‘Do more! Be all that you can be!’
But our Father whispers, ‘Be still and know that I am God.’
He is not looking for workers as much as he is looking for sons and daughters- people to pour his life into.”
On that night over a year ago when my husband had finally verbalized our subtle slide, I abandoned the laundry pile and curled up next to him on the couch.
“What shall we do?” I asked wearily as I slipped my hand in his and acknowledged the truth of those hard-to-hear words.
“Let’s not do anything,” my husband murmured as he pulled me to his chest. “Let’s just be right here together.”
And for the first time in a long time, I wasn’t just lost, I was lost in love.
“{May you}be filled [through all your being] unto all the fullness of God [may you have the richest measure of the divine Presence, and become a body wholly filled and flooded with God Himself]! -Ephesians 3:19
*The crush and clamor of life has been heavy lately, and I’m finding myself adrift.
So, I’m taking a break from blogging this week in order to curl up in my Savior’s arms and get lost in His love. Thanks for grace. I’ll be back soon.
Still Counting…
1864. A bright red cardinal swinging on our homemade bird bread; color blooming on our trees in the bare of winter.
1865. Playing spoons in our pjs on Saturday morning.
1866. The kids performing an original musical in the basement- creativity in full glory!
1867. Full moon casting a dazzling brilliance across the snow-covered lawn.
1868. Praising through God’s impossible promises.
1869. The sound of Rob’s voice on the phone when he called from Honduras.
1870. Maggie Moo in her new silky red Minnie Mouse pajamas– “Do you think Lucy will chase me since I have a mouse on my shirt?”
1871. A coffee date with Miss Annie, words to encourage Hannah’s big dream.
1872. Communion prayer spoken over me- words I needed to hear, hope I needed to claim.
1873. A text from Luke in Honduras- “We served over 500 people today. More than 30 accepted Christ!”
1874. Lullabies drifting from the bedrooms where my sweet ones sleep.
Happily linking with Ann for multitude mondays, laura for playdates with God, Jen for soli deo gloria, The Better Mom, The Mom Initiative.
Happily linking with Ann for multitude mondays, laura for playdates with God, Jen for soli deo gloria, The Better Mom, The Mom Initiative.
“Industry is no substitute for intimacy. My husband wanted my heart instead of my hands. And so does my Savior.” Alicia, this is so good, my friend! Thank you for sharing this story with us…and for inspiring me to love my husband afresh. I appreciate these reminders. I need them.
And I’m glad you are taking the break from blogging. That is so needed sometimes. May you find sweet rest in your time “away.” Sending love.
Breaks are needed. Always, always, always.
Go glad you listened to your heart and your hubby.
We will all be here when you get back and life is too important to miss out.
What a beautiful heart your husband has. Sometimes the hardest thing is to take a step back and look at where we are. How wonderful your love can take such an examination. A good example for us all, Alicia.
we have those moments, too. where it is enough just to be. together.
and i’m laughing at your list — especially the lullabies drifting from the kids’ rooms. at my house, they want to sleep to something with a pumpin’ beat . . . don’t know how they do it, but it’s anything but sleepy here. 🙂
Oh, Becky, I didn’t realize we’re just a state away:) The thought makes me smile. As I’m snowed in with our third blizzard of the year, I’ll just imagine what a coffee date with you would be like, my friend. That will warm my soul despite all the stuff out my window!
You are such a gifted storyteller. I know this scene. I don’t suppose you could fly to Wisconsin for coffee this weekend? Yes, I know…we’ll both be lucky just to make it to the grocery store. Blessings on your week of rest, my friend!
“Industry is no substitute for intimacy.” So true. This is great, and I’m so glad you put down the laundry!
Thank you for sharing that quote and your heart! It was just what I needed today!!
I agree, Lynn. Thanks for the reminder 🙂 Enjoy this snowy day.
Oh, I hear you in both the marriage relationship and our relationship with God! There is so much competing for our attention. It can be hard to remember the most important things, but I know that taking time to build my relationship with Doug and with God will make everything else better!
Snuggling on the couch is the best! Thanks for the reminder. 🙂