When You Don’t Feel Ready For a New Year…
I crawled out of bed near midnight on New Year’s Day and begged Jesus to meet me in the darkness.
Eighteen hours earlier, I had flipped the calendar page and stumbled into 2013 with an uncharacteristic sense of apathy.
As the first day of the new year slipped away, I was desperate for a re-do.
As the first day of the new year slipped away, I was desperate for a re-do.
The woman who had stared at me from the mirror on New Year’s morning may have resembled the forty-year-old me with her dirt-blonde hair and thin pixie face, but her eyes didn’t look like mine.
Dim and framed with black circles begging to hide beneath an extra layer of make-up, those baby blues had trickled a murky mix of anger and sadness.
Dim and framed with black circles begging to hide beneath an extra layer of make-up, those baby blues had trickled a murky mix of anger and sadness.
Who was that woman?
And what was she doing peering at me from the finger-printed glass above my bathroom sink?
Where was the me who delights in fresh starts and blank canvases and bold new dreams?
I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I whispered to Jesus as I wrapped a frayed blanket around my shoulders, plucked at a loose thread and pondered the metaphor in my hands.
When had I become so unraveled on the inside?
I don’t even know what to ask for, Jesus, I confessed. I just need….
I let the tears fall quiet as my family slept noisy.
Snores and sighs echoed in the night-lighted rooms behind me, and I pictured the faces of those sleeping ones.
Scandalous grace–that’s what it is when a flawed and floundering mother is granted the gift of five children with hearts tendered to their Savior;five bodies healthy and able; five minds seeking Him in the marvelous and the monotonous.
Scandalous grace–that’s what it is when a flawed and floundering mother is granted the gift of five children with hearts tendered to their Savior;five bodies healthy and able; five minds seeking Him in the marvelous and the monotonous.
How does a woman blessed with good gifts lose her passion for the present?
How does a life filled with abundance seep empty?
How does a mama who has so many hands to hold forget to behold the wonder of their becoming?
And didn’t this writer say it once, that the art of life is to keep awake to the wonders of His Word and this world….
This world of laundry and laughter and dishes and dancing right beneath my roof.
And didn’t this writer say it once, that the art of life is to keep awake to the wonders of His Word and this world….
This world of laundry and laughter and dishes and dancing right beneath my roof.
I reached for the pen on the coffee table beside me and scribbled a few thanks in my notebook….
1700. The kids dressed up in silly clothes for our new year’s eve crazy meal.
1701. Josh kissing my neck as I pull the covers to his- “Mommy, you’re my best mom.”
1702. Lukas shooting three-pointers for twelve hours to raise money for orphans in Africa.
1703. A text from my dear friend on New Year’s Eve, “You are my BFF…. are grown-ups allowed to say that?
I want to wake my slumbering soul; move gratitude from head to heart.
The mattress in the room behind me creaked, and I pictured him reaching for me in his slumber, the man who has shared my life and my bed for nineteen years.
I knew if he woke to that empty spot beside him, he’d pray for me before he rolled over and returned to sleep.
Because it was he who first begged me to fill my endless holes with a Savior.
And after all these years together, he knows how I need a word from Jesus more than I need an extra hour of sleep.
And after all these years together, he knows how I need a word from Jesus more than I need an extra hour of sleep.
I remembered the conversation we’d shared over dinner that night, just the two of us at an Italian bistro.
I’d been slicing into my baked potato, when he asked the question, the one I usually ask of him—
What are you looking forward to in the new year?
I’d felt like that potato, my heart sliced wide open- and all from a simple question.
A question I couldn’t answer.
I’d been slicing into my baked potato, when he asked the question, the one I usually ask of him—
What are you looking forward to in the new year?
I’d felt like that potato, my heart sliced wide open- and all from a simple question.
A question I couldn’t answer.
I had picked at my green beans and fumbled for words and begged the tears not to fall on that swirl of sour cream topping my potato.
And I’d wished that I could formulate a passionate response from the muddle in my mind.
And I’d wished that I could formulate a passionate response from the muddle in my mind.
He’d held my gaze, his green eyes pleading, willing me to give hope a name.
I’m gonna keep praying, my husband had promised as he’d reached across the table and engulfed my cold fingers in his hands.
I nodded, thankful that he’s a man of his word. A man of the Word.
The bed rustled again.
I scribbled his name in my book of gratitude.
I scribbled his name in my book of gratitude.
1704. Rob.
A husband who loves me despite….
A husband who loves me despite….
The dog pattered across the squeaky floorboards, and I reached for the Advent devotion book that would soon be packed away with the tree-topper and the homemade ornaments.
In lamplight I read…
The Christian church celebrates the naming of Jesus always on the eighth day of his life, January 1.
The Christian church celebrates the naming of Jesus always on the eighth day of his life, January 1.
I stared at the page and let my Savior’s name roll off of my lips.
I whispered it to no one but myself and wondered how many times I’ve uttered that five-lettered word.
Jesus.
Sweet Jesus.
I’d sung it in bed when I was a little girl with a wild imagination and monsters under her bed.
Jesus loves me this I know…
And I’d shouted it from my seat in that rusty old canoe at church camp, His holy name bouncing off the murky water.
Jesus.
I’d murmured it over my babies when we’d rocked long into the night, had cried it as a prayer when their wails welcomed the two-A.M.-hour.
And wasn’t it just yesterday that I’d stood at the Grand Canyon’s edge and exhaled that name with awe?
Jesus.
The Christmas tree twinkled in the darkness, a reminder of the LIGHT who changes everything.
And I sat there, grasping for the words that would change me.
Dear, Lord, I don’t even know what I need…
Maggie cried from bed, her leg thumping against the wall as she squealed.
“Mommy…. Mommy….”
“Mommy…. Mommy….”
She called because she knew I’d come.
I rose from my chair and pattered to her room.
“Honey, what do you need?”
My girl flopped restless on the bottom bunk, eyeballed me through sleepy slits.
I knelt beside her and tried to define the problem.
“Do you need to go potty? Do you need a drink?”
She shook her head and reached for my hand.
I slipped into bed beside her, dropped my voice so as not to wake her sister above us.
I slipped into bed beside her, dropped my voice so as not to wake her sister above us.
“Do you need me turn on your lull-a-byes?”
Maggie lay her sweaty head on my chest and closed her eyes.
Maggie lay her sweaty head on my chest and closed her eyes.
“No, Mommy. I just need you.”
I curled up next to my littlest girl and wrapped my arms around her pajama-clad frame.
I watched a beam of moonlight dance across the floor and listened to the rhythm of her sleepy breathing.
My wrestling soul grew still.
My wrestling soul grew still.
I don’t need to name my need.
I just need to call His name.
I just need to call His name.
I kissed my daughter’s pink cheeks, slipped from her bed, and returned to my lamp-lit post. I grabbed my notebook and recorded one more gift…..
The starlight blazed silver on the canvas of snow beyond my window.
And for the first time in 2013, my heart finally agreed with my head.
The Overflow:
“They will call on My name,
And I will answer them.” -Zechariah 13:9
Beginning the year with thanks….
1706. Pastor Keith’s Magi challenge: Ask God for a star to chase this year and follow it to the end.
That’s where you’ll find Jesus.
1707. Planning a mountain get-away for all seven of us, dreaming of how God will meet us there.
1708. The quiet joy of reading a favorite book with Hannah. The way she laughs at all the right places and sighs quiet in the poignant spots.
1709. Snow clothes piled high in the entryway- a wet testimony to winter fun.
1710. Homemade pizza in the oven.
1711. Lizzy trying out her new sewing machine and delighting in the creating. (And her mama can’t even sew on a button– love how God has created her so different than me and yet so alike, too!)
1712. Maggie padding down the hallway in her pjs after the kids have hopped the bus. “Is it just you and me, Mommy? I love these days!”
And for the first time in 2013, my heart finally agreed with my head.
The Overflow: “They will call on My name,
And I will answer them.” -Zechariah 13:9
Beginning the year with thanks….
1706. Pastor Keith’s Magi challenge: Ask God for a star to chase this year and follow it to the end.
That’s where you’ll find Jesus.
1707. Planning a mountain get-away for all seven of us, dreaming of how God will meet us there.
1708. The quiet joy of reading a favorite book with Hannah. The way she laughs at all the right places and sighs quiet in the poignant spots.
1709. Snow clothes piled high in the entryway- a wet testimony to winter fun.
1710. Homemade pizza in the oven.
1711. Lizzy trying out her new sewing machine and delighting in the creating. (And her mama can’t even sew on a button– love how God has created her so different than me and yet so alike, too!)
1712. Maggie padding down the hallway in her pjs after the kids have hopped the bus. “Is it just you and me, Mommy? I love these days!”Happily linking with Ann for multitude mondays, laura for playdates with God, Jen for soli deo gloria, and a few new places for the new year-–The Better Mom, The Mom Initiative, Titus 2sdays,
Happy new year, friends!
I can identify so deeply with your words. Thank you for the simple reminder to call His powerful name.
Oh, yes, Alicia. He will come. These moments when I am at the end of myself? These are the times He makes His present felt deeply. Sending love to you in the new year and praying the richest of blessings.
Oh, friends- so good to have you back. And thank you seems a bit “small”– but thank you for the encouragement here. I love how HE ties us all together, how He meets us where we are. Happy New Year to each of you.
I have tears in my eyes, but it’s not just because of the way you have written your heart so beautifully. No, something else stirring in me. Perhaps because the name you have written over and over and over on this page…Jesus. Seeing His name so much reminds me that He is all I need and I need not fear.
yes. the darkness gives us perhaps the most obvious occasion to be led by the Light.
may He continue to fill this new year with His name. the one that covers all our need.
beautiful, Alicia.
So beautiful, Alicia. This… “I don’t need to name my need. I just need to call His name”… yes, yes. yes. Thanks so much for sharing your heart!
Songs with Jesus’ name are running through my head, as I read your post.
Fondly,
Glenda
“I don’t need to name my need.I just need to call His name.” Yes, just give me Jesus. Beautiful words, Alicia. Thanks for this!
A mother’s heart is bottomless to pour into others, yet so needy, too. What fills us? What do we hope for? I can’t always define it, either, Alicia. Jesus knows. I’m sending you hugs today.
Oh, I love your pastor’s words, Jedidja. Thanks for sharing them here. And love the thought that I’m waking up to a new year here in this tiny Dutch town in America and you in the Netherlands and Jesus in both places. All places. Blessings, friend.
Thank you for your honesty in this blog!
There is only one name very, very important for us as moms. Thats: Jesus! Our pastor said yesterday that when somebody called us, we sometimes ignore that person. But when we call Jesus, every time He lifts His head and looks at us. He is there for ys, to fill our emptiness. Every day of the year. Let us take courage! xxx
I think those dark, empty times come most often after a spiritual high of some sort. I’m praying for you, Alicia. And so glad that Jesus is showing Himself to you–that He’s “a name to meet your need.” Oh and thanks SO MUCH for your authentic and vulnerable heart here, friend. So refreshing and sweet. 🙂