Yesterday I was digging through some old journals and I stumbled on a free write that reminded me of this whole journey of messy love. It was an entry I’d scribbled in desperation on the first of November nine years ago, an entry that still captures my hope and my frailty even now as I struggle to reconcile the challenges of love with the joys of motherhood.
It was my firstborn who sparked this particular entry. In his defense, his mommy sure had a lot to learn and he was a key piece of my instruction in those early years of parenthood. My firstborn is an amazing package of determination, perseverance, intensity, intelligence and deep thinking. He is a born competitor with an uncanny gift of debate and a driving perfectionist who tends to excel at almost anything he tries. While all of these qualities may be considered strengths now that my man-child is nearly a teenager, the same attributes in the life of a toddler felt radically different. As soon as my dear baby boy began to walk and talk, his strong personality and steely determination drove me to my knees and caused me to doubt my own ability to love well. In rare moments of authentic honesty during those tumultuous preschool years, I was prone to confess, “I love this child, but I don’t like him!”
Thankfully, this child whom today I tend to both like AND love, has been an amazing tool in God’s hand to transform this mama with a strong personality and steely determination 🙂 into a more humble and gentle parent. And in the process, I’ve developed a deep appreciation for the One who daily rides with me on this roller coaster of messy and miraculous love !
I wonderif any of you can relate to these words scribbled on the pages of my royal blue journal on November 1, 2002…
Just out of the blue yesterday Lukas said, “I love you Mommy. You are the BEST mom in the whole wide world!” I couldn’t help but smile and say an internal hooray. Oh, the affirmations I long to hear as a mom are few and far between, but when they are spoken in such sweet, unguarded sincerity, they are like golden drops of water in this desert of discipline and character training, power struggles and preschool drama. They are a poignant reminder of why I do what I do.
Yet this roller coaster ride called motherhood is ruthless. Today, in the midst of a meltdown morning, that very same voice, angry and mean muttered, “Mom, you’re so stupid.” It wasn’t the words that hurt as much as the realization that my own child was intentionally trying to hurt me. He’d been disciplined and redirected and he wanted to strike back at the one who had delivered his consequences.
I’m not sure I’m up for this kind of ride. The vulnerability I feel as a mom is frightening at times. When my precious babies were lying in my arms. never once did I gaze into their wide blue eyes and think,”You’re going to break my heart.”
O, the pain God must feel on a daily basis. One moment I’m praising Him with wide-eyed admiration, and the next minute I’m doubting His promise, ignoring His word, giving Him the cold shoulder as I pass by our meeting spot without a second look.
Surely my Heavenly Father knows this roller coaster ride! Surely He’s sitting next to me and holding my hand as the hills cause my stomach to lurch and the drop causes me to cry out in fear. Surely He is laughing with me as we savor the peaks of play and race down hills of joy with hands stretched towards Heaven. Surely He holds up my weary arms when I can wave them in abandon no longer and He gently whispers, “Let go! Let go! This ride is best when you loosen your grip!”
He, who loosened His Holy grip on His only child and sent His son to endure my peak-and-valley-world, knows the paradox of this ride. Surely He can taste my glee at the top of the hills and understand my tears at the bottom.
This partner in parenting is my hope. This roller-coaster companion is my Rock. His hands have shaped me. His hands have shaped my children, and His hands will one day shape my great-great grandchildren. HE is the one I will trust when this ride of motherhood feels out of control. He is the one I will praise when my heart is bursting with love. He is the one I will seek when my heart is pierced with disillusion. He who moves mountains loves my child more than I can imagine. He who walked through the Valley of Death is the strength in my weakness. He is the Parent I will never be. HE IS THE ONE.
Wishing you a weekend of hands-in-the-air delight, dear friends!
The Overflow:
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” -Deuteronomy 31:6
